Are You Done Yet? or No, I'm Not an Idiot: A Biblical Consideration of Family Planning

By David Block

INTRODUCTION

Seven years ago my wife and I were married. We started off our marriage just like most other young marrieds: naive. Our ideas about how to live as a Christian married couple were, unfortunately, shaped primarily by our (ill) conceived notions and our society. As we came to find out, the Bible only played a small part in forming our theology of marriage and, more specifically, our concept of children. I think that our views on children were like most other newlyweds. We both dreamed of what our perfect family would look like thinking that maybe we would have two kids, hopefully a boy and a girl. From the day we were married, we used birth control because, as a just married couple, we weren't ready to have kids. Besides that, using birth control is what everyone does and so did we. Did the Bible have something to say about having children and birth control? Well, if it did, we didn't take the time to find out.

So, we started our married life blissfully unaware that there could be something wrong with our choices concerning our family planning. The following is a description and an explanation of my family's journey from a worried, unbiblically motivated family of four to a happy, unfettered, God honoring family of six...and counting.

At The Beginning

As a Christian, I always believed that the Bible should guide my life, yet I still thought that there were gray areas in the Scriptures that were not explicitly mentioned. In these areas, I believed that God left those decisions up to us. I felt that as long as I was not doing something specifically mentioned in the Bible that was labeled "evil" then I must be alright.

So this was my view of birth control: The Bible doesn't specifically mention it so it must be OK to use. Right?

I remember when my wife and I were dating we read several of those marriage preparation books. You know the ones with the quizzes and the fool proof guides, all purely Christian, of course. All of them suggested that having kids was a decision that you had to make. They all had their opinions concerning when to start trying to get pregnant, how many you could economically have, and etc. It all made sense to me. I mean, who can afford having three kids today? I certainly couldn't on the wages my wife and I were making. Besides, God never condemns birth control so he must have had left it up to my sanctified common sense (thanks Bill Hybels) to decide how many and when.

As we entered into marriage, this was our thought about birth control. We were married for about a year, decided we wanted to have our first so we stopped using birth control and bam! we got pregnant. After the birth of our daughter we went back on birth control because there was no way we wanted to have another nine months later. Only idiots with self-loathing do that. No, we waited and had our second daughter almost exactly two years later.

Then There Was a Change

In between our first and second child, my wife and I had discussed the pros and cons of birth control. We didn't just keep using it blindly but we waffled back and forth and finally decided to keep using it after our second child. Yet, there was something always in the back of our minds that kept us from being secure in our decision. After months of discussion, Bible reading and prayer my wife and I came to the decision that we needed to stop using birth control. I probably converted before she did (which is typical considering she is the one that has to bear the children) but when we made our decision it was final. That's when our son came along and a year later our third daughter.

At the end of this article I'll return to what happened after our momentous decision and its effects but for now I would like to look at what in the Bible made us question our beliefs about birth control and why it is no longer a gray area for us.

Oh, no! It's Onan!

As mentioned above, there is no specific condemnation of the practice of birth control, yet, there is a story (its more of a blurb) about a man that uses it. His name is Onan and his short story is found in Genesis 38. He is a small player in the much larger story of Judah and how Judah came to be in the lineage of Christ. Our man Onan was Judah, and his Canaanite wife, Shua's second born son. When Onan's older brother, Er, came of age his father took a wife for his son, whose name was Tamar. Most of us know the sordid and quite disgusting events that transpire between Judah and Tamar. This happens later on in the story, however, what is important to us here is what happens to Er and Onan. Er marries Tamar but he is killed by God because he, "was wicked in the sight of the LORD," (Genesis 38:7). Its not very descriptive but he must have done something fairly bad to be struck down by God. With Er now dead Tamar is a young childless widow. This is where Onan enters the scene.

Genesis 38:8-10 (ESV) Then Judah said to Onan, "Go in to your brother's wife and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother." [9] But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother's wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. [10] And what he did was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and he put him to death also.

So we see here that Judah recommends that Onan should take Tamar for his wife and produce an heir for Er. This is what is known as a levirate marriage which was a custom amongst the people during this time. Later, we find that God includes this into the law and is played out in the story of Ruth. The law does not make it mandatory (i.e. punishable by death) that a brother take his sister-in-law as his wife but it is not an honorable thing to revoke the rite of redeemer.

Onan listens to his father and takes Tamar as his wife. Yet, knowing that the child produced from this union would not be his heir but his brother's, Onan decides to try to prevent conception by using the pull out technique. Granted, this is not the most effective form of birth control, but it is none the less. In doing this, Onan is found to be wicked in the sight of the Lord and he too is stuck dead by God.

Many commentators at this point make it clear that God killed Onan because he was not fulfilling his levirate marriage vow "To produce children for his brother". This seems like a nice and tidy answer and we can all thank God that we don't have levirate marriages today. Commentators again make it clear that the act of birth control itself is not specifically condemned by God anywhere in the Bible. Unto this I must agree but the question is, "Why did he get killed?" Let's take a closer look at the text.

First, he reluctantly takes Tamar as his wife. He knows the situation that he is in but he does it anyway. This in itself is not evil but is commendable. Perhaps he married Tamar out of a sense of duty to his sister-in-law or out of respect for his father, either of which is commendable. So we find that Onan's taking of Tamar is a good thing, even in spite of his reservations. It is certainly not a reason for the death of Onan.

No, the problems occur when we get to the bedroom. First, we find that Onan and Tamar consummated their relationship: "he went in". This is good, no evil here! Second, they engaged in activities multiple times as evidenced by the word "whenever". Again, this is a good thing. Third, he "wasted his semen on the ground". This is a bad thing. But wait, I thought you said that birth control isn't bad? True, the act isn't condemned but Onan is wrong in his motive for using it because he did it, "so as not to give offspring to his brother." Aha! This is the crux of the story: Onan's motive. Taking a vow to marry his brother's wife to produce offspring for him and then purposely working against that vow is evil and, in the sight of God, punishable by death.

Do Not Deprive

Another negative example of birth control found in the Bible is in 1 Corinthians 7:5. This verse usually isn't thought of in connection with birth control but I will explain why we can't overlook this passage.

Many people that are against "artificial" birth control will use the rhythm method or abstaining from sex during the wife's fertile period of the month. They say that since they are not using or doing anything that is unnatural like using condoms, pills, or some other method then, it is definitely OK, because abstaining all together is not unnatural. But, I say, do you remember this passage?

1 Cor. 7:5 (ESV) "Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

What is Paul's command here to couples? Do not abstain from sex except for a limited time so that you might devote yourselves to prayer. In response to withholding conjugal rights Paul says, "Don't do it!" but he allows an exception for when you are devoting time to God alone. Of course, we could also biblically add when sex is physically impossible, eg. illness, menstruation, after childbirth (which the OT mentions).

We could all argue over what a limited time means. For some people a day is a limited time and for others longer. We could also discuss in what ways Satan might tempt us during this period. We could delve into what devoting yourselves to prayer means but all of this is beside the point. Again, the point to consider is: What is the motivation behind abstaining from fulfilling your conjugal duty? What is you motivation in using abstinence as birth control?

What is Your Motive?

I could continue with other examples but I believe the idea is clear: our motive is at the heart of the issue. Of course, we already know that. The most elementary of Bible students know that God is most concerned with the motive or condition of the heart than the action itself. Over and over again, God calls people to serve him with their whole hearts. Just doing a quick search of the Bible for whole hearted worship reveals that God is not so much concerned with sacrifices but with the motive and willingness of the heart.

Jesus taught on this same subject. In Luke 6:45 he said, “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” What we do or, in this case, what we say comes from what is in our hearts. If our hearts are filled with evil then our actions will be the same. If we are filled with hatred our actions will show this. Our actions are not what defile us but our heart has already done so before we commit the action. Consider Matthew 5:28 which says, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Even in the book of Acts, Paul tells Simon that he must pray that God would forgive the intent of his heart. We could go on, but you get the point that God cares about our motivations.

Since this principle encompasses all of life and thought we must apply it to the topic at hand. Our job as believers is to examine ourselves and our motivations to see why we do what we do. We know that the physical act of birth control is not explicitly condemned in the Bible but the reason why we use it must be biblical. Even if our actions may not be evil in themselves they can become evil by the intent of our heart. Israel was condemned for offering the sacrifices that God commanded them to give just as Onan died for making love to his wife.

The following questions must be asked by all Christians: Why do I use birth control? What is the intent of my heart? What do my actions say about the content of my heart? These questions must bring us back to Scripture as we compare our motivations with that which God would have.

The Blessing of God

Genesis 1:28 says, “And God blessed them. And God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion.” I know what you are going to say. God is only talking to Adam and Eve here not all people. As one Christian said about me, “Dave takes the command to be fruitful and multiply literally.” This is an interesting idea and, unfortunately, is the view of many people.

First of all, this is not a command but a blessing of God, hence the words, “God blessed them”. He is not commanding Adam and Eve to have a lot of children but pronouncing a blessing upon the human race. If you back up to 1:22 God gives the same blessing to the fish of the sea. If you watch any nature shows you know that this blessing has come true. The amount and variety of sea creatures is staggering. Jump forward generations to Noah. Upon leaving the ark, God blesses all living creatures, including Noah and his sons saying, “Be fruitful and multiply.” Again, move forward in Genesis we find that God blesses Ishmael in the same manner using the same words. Issac invokes this blessing upon his son Jacob before leaving for Laban's house. A few chapters later, God himself blesses Jacob by changing his name and telling him to be fruitful and multiply. In Genesis 47 as well as Exodus 1, we see this blessing comes true as the nation of Israel takes shape and grows in Egypt. This blessing was promised by God to continue on the people as long as they walked in his statutes and observed his commandments (Leviticus 26:3, 9). In spite of the failure of the nation of Israel, God still promises that this blessing will continue and the nation will once again be fruitful and multiply (Jeremiah 23:3, Ezekiel 36:11).

How does this begin to effect our motivations toward having children? First, being fruitful and multiplying is not a tyrannical command to make babies but the gracious blessing of God. This is probably why many people have missed the fact that this blessing is repeated over and over again. They think that God is commanding Adam and Eve to populate the world because there was just the two of them. We, in our day, don't want anyone telling us what to do, even God, so we have to flippantly dismiss this passage. This is to our detriment as individuals, families and as a church. No, “be fruitful and multiply” is not a command but a blessing of God. It is dangerous for us to consider what God has ordained a blessing as something less. For us to use this blessing of God as a joke, to dismiss it off hand, or worse, to find it contemptible is a horrible God dishonoring thing.

Second, it should begin to make us think that it is good to be fruitful and multiply. Since it is a blessing of God, then it only follows that those that are fruitful and multiply are being blessed by God. Of course, pagans can have lots of children, does that mean that they are blessed as well? Yes, because receiving children from God is the blessing, but for those unbelievers these little blessings quickly turn into a curse (I will deal with this later). To receive many or any children from the hand of God is a blessing and this is where our biblical thinking about children should begin.

Psalm 127

Another good passage to look at is Psalm 127. The first three verses discuss the folly of trying to do things our own way apart from God. Building, keeping watch and working are all done in vain if the Lord is not the one doing it. This echoes the vanities found in Ecclesiastes, where the strivings of man are found to be empty. Unless the Lord builds, watches, or provides for man it is done in vain. It is interesting that this idea precedes the rest of the psalm. “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate,” (Psalm 127:3-5 ESV).

This fits in perfectly with the idea of children and the motivation for having them. First, if God isn't in control of what we are doing then it is done in vain. If we are planning out our families and not God then we do so to our own detriment. Second, children are a heritage (a good thing), fruit (another good thing) and a blessing to the man that has a lot of them. He will not be put to shame because he has them. In case you missed the blessing of “be fruitful and multiply” here it is again in different and more explicit form. Children are good and having lots of them is even better. By the way, did you know that a typical quiver would have held between twenty to thirty arrows? Think about it.

Again, I could continue referencing all the verses that demonstrate the blessings of having children, but that would belabor the point. I think from the two passages above the point is obviously clear, if we have eyes to see it. To be blessed with a child is great, to have more is even better.

Ultimate Motivation

1 Corinthians 10:31 in the ESV says, “Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” Here is where we find our ultimate motivator for all that we do. This one sentence incorporates all of the activities of life, including the use of birth control, into one singular purpose: the glory of God. As the catechism says, “The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.” If you want to know what the purpose for you life is all you need to do is memorize 1 Corinthians 10:31. All that we do should be done with God's glory in mind. If that is so, and it most certainly is, then it must effect our thoughts on birth control.

What I had to ask myself and, likewise, all people that are followers of Christ should ask is: Am I using birth control to the glory of God? How many people would stand up in a service and say, “My wife is on the pill, glory to God!”or “My prophylactic worked last night. Praise be to God!”? Seems a little strange, doesn't it? Why? I think it is because 99% of Christians use birth control without even considering the glory of God. Did they read the Bible and all the passages about children, Onan, and making Christ preeminent in all things? Probably not. Did they once question their delusion of ultimate control over their destinies? I think not. The glory of God must come first before we choose to use contraception. “Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth,” (Malachi 2:15 ESV). If he is seeking godly offspring we need to be doing the same. Our motivations ought to be the same as God's and to protect and exalt the glory of God. So what is your ultimate reason to use birth control?

What Have We Learned?

As we saw with Onan and Paul's command not to deprive there are definite wrong motivations when it comes to birth control. We also saw from the repeated blessing of “be fruitful and multiply”, the blessing of children mentioned in Psalm 127, and from God's request for godly offspring that there are definite good motivations for questioning our use of contraception. These lead us to 1 Corinthians 10:31, the ultimate test of all our activities.

My wife and I were confronted with these passages and many others and we knew we had to make a decision. Do we choose to do what we want and plan our own family, living with the worry that God might thwart our plans or do we seek godly offspring living normal married lives, without fear, knowing that God is building our house? The choice wasn't hard but to follow through was difficult. However, once we got past the pain of the death of our delusions of control, life has become much sweeter. With each child that we receive from the hand of God we are made more humble and happier for we know that we don't deserve a single one. Since our family plans aren't about our selfish desires anymore, the gnawing worry in the back of our minds that God might spring a child upon us is gone. Unexpectedly, but most happily received, our intimate relationship grew at an exponential rate after surrendering that aspect of our lives to God.

Yes, we are a family of six with one on the way, and Lord willing, he will bless us with more. If he chooses not, that is fine with us too. But, if you asked me if I think birth control is wrong I would say “no”. Legalism prevents me from telling anyone that birth control is wrong. However, I have a question for you. Why? Why do you use it? The answer to the question, “Is birth control wrong?” is between you and your motivation and God and his holiness. Do they line up?

“As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord,” (Joshua 24:15).